Why do some flings burn hotter?

It is human nature to think of the past from time to time. And for so many of us, the past includes ex-lovers. Since we don’t float seamlessly from one perfect, long-term relationship to another, there are some short bursts of passion in between. While some get forgotten there are a few that leave a mark.

What this boils down to is a certain something about someone that makes us think – ” I’m into this”. It’s not about who looks right for you on paper; it’s about their essence that makes them stick in our minds. Nevertheless, the important question to ask oneself is- ”Why did they not stick in your life?”

The process can be messy and full of mistakes, misjudgments, and maybe have a few regrets. But, we tend to think about our past flings when we are not currently happy and fulfilled in our present search of love, or this fling was the one who checked all the boxes of attraction. So, we need to understand why our minds and heart wander with them so often?

Consider this – You had the loveliest first date with a dreamy guy. Or you had an amazing first date with this pretty girl who is everything you wish in a partner. Everything is going heavenly, you are the happiest person on earth! Then suddenly, after a couple of passionate dates, either they unmatched you, or started ghosting you. Why? This person was so good, they had you gas-lighting yourself. Then what happened?

Here’s what happened –

With a brief encounter, he was likely on his best behavior, showing very little of the ‘real’ him. Or she was looking for something that was short term. Or for you, this means you feel stuck on the brief moment a man (or woman) is trying to impress you, and don’t see any of the grit of real life. It’s natural, but it’s fantasy. In the midst of all these, you are replaying the last conversation you had with them, finding the loophole.

The only reason you are still thinking of this fling is that this brief encounter remains somewhat of a mystery, along the lines of the forbidden fruit. You are really putting your hopes into a lover you really don’t know at all. Strangely enough, the thought of them can somehow comfort us.

At the end of the day, there’s no foolproof way to avoid these flings turning hotter, but here are a few pointers on how to handle them :

• Don’t allow yourself to feel stupid about him being too spineless to be direct. Shit happens when we date. Indulging the idea that you’re stupid because you didn’t see it coming is super unkind to yourself. Would you tell a friend who got ghosted that she was stupid?
• Don’t take it personally. I know its a lot easier said than done. But the harsh truth? We can’t all be made for each other. You might know very little. For her, you might be a rebound. She might herself be dealing with a rough break-up.
• Judge away the so-called – “perfect one” in a safe space of a supportive friend. Get it out. It’s okay to feel pissed off and disappointed. Consciously processing and talking out triggering thoughts and emotions is always the answer.

A daydream about a past lover here and there is okay, but if they are occupying more space in your mind, heart, or, ahem, loins, try to figure out what it is you’re missing and what you need to be fully devoted. It’s time to go inward. Put your focus on growing and loving yourself, versus being in his business about how you think he/she should have treated you. The sooner you start giving “all” aspects of you the respect and love you’re seeking from someone else, the closer you’ll be to attracting the right person who is a mirror reflection of your love for you.